Here’s my ditty of the week. For some reason there’s a lot of silence after it ends.
This video is… kind of indescribable. Just watch it for a little bit. And then picture a sad, middle aged man masturbating to it.
A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table
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MOM:
Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.
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DAD:
O.K.
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GRANDMOTHER:
Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
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DAD:
Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.
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UNCLE:
I’m having sex right now.
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DAD:
We all are.
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MOM:
Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.
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DAD:
(laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.
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MOM:
If they ask me again, I might tell.
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FRIEND FROM WORK:
Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!
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DAD:
(laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.
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MOM:
I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!
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DAD:
I’m angry, too! We’re angry at each other!
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MOM:
Now everything is fine.
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DAD:
We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.
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MOM:
There was a big sex.
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FRIEND FROM WORK:
I am the loudest! I am the loudest!
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(Everybody laughs.)
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MOM:
I had a lot of wine, and now I’m crazy!
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GRANDFATHER:
Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?
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ALL:
Yes.
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GRANDFATHER:
Don’t tell the kids.
“ Suddenly, the silence was broken by the susurrus of a distant queef. I knew then that Promethius had betrayed me. ”
Tales of Woe: The Memoirs of Pinsophocles
Shakes and Bakes
I hope my followers delight to read…
Feast upon Titus Andronicus now:
(Iambic Pentameter, yea bitches!)
Hark, villains! I will grind your bones to dust
And with your blood and it I’ll make a paste,
And of the paste a coffin I will rear
And make two pasties of your shameful heads,
And bid that strumpet, your unhallow’d dam,
Like to the earth swallow her own increase.
This is the feast that I have bid her to,
And this the banquet she shall surfeit on;
For worse than Philomel you used my daughter,
And worse than Progne I will be revenged:
And now prepare your throats. Lavinia, come,
Receive the blood: and when that they are dead,
Let me go grind their bones to powder small
And with this hateful liquor temper it;
And in that paste let their vile heads be baked.
Come, come, be every one officious
To make this banquet; which I wish may prove
More stern and bloody than the Centaurs’ feast.
He cuts their throats
So, now bring them in, for I’ll play the cook,
And see them ready ‘gainst their mother comes.
Exeunt, bearing the dead bodies
A little something something.
CAH
Played Cards Against Humanity last night and it was AWESOME.
Favorite round:
What did Vin Diesel eat for dinner?
A can of whoop-ass
Puberty
Indiana Jones in the Refrigerator
